How to build a strong relationship with my teen?
The spring semester is upon us now in the United States. The major holidays having concluded and kids are back at school. As a veteran high school teacher, I can tell you that your teacher’s are working their tails off trying to meet the needs of each individual student and it is never more difficult than the beginning of a semester, especially for students new to a class, or new to a teacher. This is a great time to improve your relationship with your teen (or any child for that matter) so that when issues come up there is a clear line of communication.
Why Teenagers Are Difficult to Communicate With
Parents of teens typically want to allow their teen to have the opportunity to make mistakes, but give firm boundaries when they are going off the course of success. Today’s students have a myriad of issues to deal with. Social pressures, school pressures, family pressures, and organic mental as well as physical health issues. Add to this extra-curricular activities, college applications, and the state of the world today and you have an recipe for potential disaster. Teenagers can be notoriously difficult to communicate with. Why is this? How can we better communicate with our teens?
When it comes to the pressures teens face, academics tops the list: 61% of teens say they feel a lot of pressure to get good grades. By comparison, about three-in-ten say they feel a lot of pressure to look good (29%) and to fit in socially (28%), while roughly one-in-five feel similarly pressured to be involved in extracurricular activities and to be good at sports (21% each). And while about half of teens see drug addiction and alcohol consumption as major problems among people their age, fewer than one-in-ten say they personally feel a lot of pressure to use drugs (4%) or to drink alcohol (6%).
Pew Research Center
How to Bond and Listen To Your Teen
Your teenagers interests may be radically different than your own. As a parent of three teens at home I know how true this is. I want to watch movies, play sports, and have meaningful conversations. They want to watch YouTube and play video games, send each other messages in their “group chat’s” and scroll social media. Sometimes it feels like we are from different planets, but we have to find some sort of common ground. When you keep an open mind, you may find that what they are interested in is not as “dumb” as you thought!
Finding Common Ground
The essence of any relationship is some sort of common ground. Teenagers need to see that you care about what they care about. This acknowledges their independence in a tangible way. This could be something as simple as cooking a meal together, going to Starbuck’s, or watching them play their favorite video game.
Encourage teenager to engage in activities that will build up self-esteem — for example, taking on leadership roles in school or starting a new hobby. You could even pursue an interest together.
healthhub.sg
Through these times when you are bonding with your teen, you are building what I think of as relational capital. During this time, you want to make sure your teen know you are trying to communicate with them as an equal as much as is possible in a as non-judgmental a way as possible.
Why Are Teens So “Moody”?
Teenagers are constantly told what to do, when to do it, and how to do it, but they have the capacity to be independent thinkers as early as the age of twelve, sometimes younger. Piaget used the term “Formal Operations” to describe this stage.
“Adolescents who reach this fourth stage of intellectual development — usually at age 11-plus — are able to use symbols related to abstract concepts, such as algebra and science. They can think about things in systematic ways, come up with theories, and consider possibilities. They also can ponder abstract relationships and concepts such as justice.”
Webmd.com
This is why teenagers hate being treated, “like children”. For many of them, it feels like having a supervisor micromanage us as adults constantly, not respecting our individuality, creativity, or level of understanding. Granted, their level of actual understanding may be much lower than an adult who has experienced much more of life then they have, however emotions are not bound by rationality at all times.
The Solution
To counteract this, give your teen 10-15 minutes of your day where you will do something they like, even if it is something you personally dislike. In short, show them you are not fitting into their concept of “negative” adults! Your teen may talk about mundane things, or you may find as I have, that once they feel comfortable having you around and knowing that this is time you are truly listening to them, they will begin opening up about all the things that are bothering them.
Earning Teens Trust
As a group, teenagers have largely decided parents and adults can not be trusted with 100% transparency because they will be judged and/or punished for “wrong” behaviors or attitudes. You have to “win” them over so that they will trust you, which you may realize as you are listening to them, may require more efforts on your part, but this is a great jumping off point.
“It is easier to water trees than put out fires.”
Anonymous – One of my favorite sayings about managing people in general
You will likely be very pleased with the improvement in your teen’s attitude and behavior towards you. Instead of angry outbursts and defiant attitudes, you may find your teen opening up to you about what is going on with them first, instead of last. If there are serious issues afoot and you can not get your teen to even talk to you for 15 minutes, you may want to look into getting them or both of you some counseling to help foster a better relationship to open lines of communication.
Conclusion – Keep Building Relational Capital to Weather Storms
I hope you enjoyed my article on the benefits of building a positive non-judgmental relationship with your teen in the beginning of a semester. This strategy also works well for younger kids, although they are typically going to want to be doing whatever you are anyway, so it is much easier!
If you or anyone you know has thoughts of harming themselves or others please contact the – 988 Suicide and Crisis Hotline – Dial 988!
The beginning of the school year is a great time to start doing this as the stress level is lower for students and parents alike. Thanks for reading The Life Long Education Blog! Likes, follows, and shares are always appreciated!
Additional Resources
- Parenting for Brain: Parenting for Brain offers articles and tips on understanding and connecting with teens.
- Empowering Parents: Empowering Parents provides practical advice and strategies for dealing with challenging behaviors in teens.
- Your Teen Magazine: Your Teen Magazine covers a variety of topics related to parenting teenagers, including communication and relationship-building.
- Raising Teens Today: Raising Teens Today offers insights and resources for parents navigating the challenges of raising teenagers.
- HealthyChildren.org: HealthyChildren.org by the American Academy of Pediatrics provides reliable information on various aspects of parenting, including adolescence.
- Common Sense Media: Common Sense Media provides reviews and recommendations for media that can help parents understand and connect with their teens through shared interests.
- TeenHelp: TeenHelp is a support community offering forums, articles, and advice on various teen-related issues.
- Understood: Understood focuses on learning and attention issues, providing resources for parents to better understand and support their teens.
- Psychology Today – Parenting Teens: Psychology Today – Parenting Teens features articles written by experts on parenting and understanding teenagers.
- FamilyEducation: FamilyEducation covers a wide range of topics related to family life, including parenting teenagers.
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What are your thoughts on this?